Saturday Photo

 by PAM

At Dove Dr., Ithaca, NY; East of Cornell University campus in Ithaca

I feel like I only took this photo a few days back. It's incredible that it's been almost four years already since I took this photo! That's right, four and I am seeing it again only just now.  

I once vacationed at my sister's place in the US. She and her husband took me with them in their winter vacation around The Rockies. We went on a long drive, stopping here and there... and it was exhilarating! I remember my brother-in-law commenting about the 'tons' of photos that I took wherever we went. I just can't help myself... I felt the need to document the experience, and the quickest way to do that is through photos. After taking 'tons' of photos, I usually get so overwhelmed that I am unable to make up my mind about which ones to keep and which ones to discard. I end up keeping all! And in our trip around The Rockies, it drove my sister and her husband crazy! 

Ithaca, NY is an extremely beautiful place! Well, the Fingerlakes Region where Ithaca is located is, indeed, a beautiful place! And whenever I come for a visit after graduation, I usually stay at the Eastern part of the campus where Filipino friends lived. I usually stay with a family whose house is located up a hill, right next to the Equestrian facilities of Cornell, overlooking the planes of Cayuga... and where the sunset is mesmerizing! 

The skies seem to be just a few meters above your head, and the clouds make a dramatic transition as the sun sets in the horizon, and the skies begin to darken... but only after it explodes in countless colors of utter beauty.  It takes my breath each time. And it makes praying the Angelus all that meaningful and all that impassioned. 

***

Image credit: The photo in this post belongs to me. I took it.

***

Wednesday Nostalgia + Namjooning + Fangirling...

 ...because I feel the need to look back before moving forward.

===================================================

by PAM

After work: Enjoying a little portion of Cayuga Lake

in Aurora, Upstate, New York, halfway between Ithaca and Geneva.

About New York State

When people think about New York, perhaps, what comes to mind are the towering buildings in the urban jungle that is New York City... and mostly the sights and sounds of Manhattan... a little bit of Brooklyn, some Bronx and Queens, and just a tiny bit of Staten Island.  In other words, people usually think of Metropolitan New York, and they hardly ever think of Upstate New York.  And yet, most of New York State (NYS) is Upstate New York.  This includes the Capital District, including Albany where the State Capitol is located; the Mohawk Valley Region, Central New York, the Southern Tier, the Finger Lakes Region, Western New York, and the North Country.  

The scenic drive between Ithaca and 
Geneva make the 45-minute travel time
like a time for Namjooning!  It leaves me
breathless every time!

The main campus of Cornell University is in Ithaca, NY, which is located in the very lovely Finger Lakes Region.  Other people who are used to living in huge and very busy metropolitan areas might find the Region to be too secluded, "in the middle of nowhere", too quiet... like nothing much is going on except the quaint small town vibes.  If you give it a chance though, it can grow on you.  Well, it did to me. And soon, most days have become perfect days for Namjooning, where you just watch the beautiful day roll towards the evening, leaving a promise of a new day to keep you dreaming peacefully through the night.

***

About Cornell

Cornell has three other campuses in NYS.  One is the Cornell Agritech, located in Geneva, also in the Finger Lakes Region.  The AgriTech is formerly known as the New York State Agricultural Experiment Station (NYSAES), which is under the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (CALS) - the College where I did my PhD in the early to mid 2000s.  It is one of the very best in the world, and some of this is due to its huge Extension Programs that cater to the agriculture and food industry of NYS, and their highly internationalized population and engagements.  I am very proud to be an alumna of CALS.  The professors in CALS, and all of Cornell for that matter, are very supportive of their Alumni.  They keep track of our progress, and they support us in the various stages of our career. Case in point, they supported me in my Humphrey Fellowship.  I worked between the Ithaca and Geneva campuses... and the drive between these two campuses is absolutely beautiful - especially during springtime and summer time.  

Visiting Cornell Tech at Roosevelt Island
in NYC with friends.  The campus has
the fascinating view of Manhattan on one side
and Long Island on another.

Cornell has two campuses in NYC: (1) Cornell Tech at Roosevelt Island, which is a partnership with the Israel Institute of Technology, or simply Technion, and the (2) Weill Cornell Medicine, which is only some steps away from the tram station, coming from Roosevelt Island.  It was in 2017 when I first visited Cornell Tech.  It is strategically located where it is to cater to tech-based industry and businesses in NYC.  That time, they were just starting operations.  This year, I visited again to speak with their Chief of Administration, and I was very impressed by their progress and the ensuing expansion.  I usually drop by the Weill Cornell Medicine, too, just to visit and appreciate how advanced the research works are in Medicine.  This time around though, I did not get to visit because of a rather hectic schedule.

This is what I love about studying, or working as a visiting scholar, at Cornell.  The quality of education is, obviously, excellent, and its campuses in the Finger Lakes Region and in NYC are beautiful!  When stressed out from working hard, there is always a way to 'recuperate' and 'recharge'... right inside the campus!  And, when you need to get away from it all, roaming around the immediate vicinity of the campuses give respite, too.  When there is more time, traveling around the Region is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually rejuvenating.  And, when there are official University break, it is always great to enjoy the City... for as long as one saved up sufficiently, that is, because enjoying the City can be very expensive.  One of these days, I shall write about my most recent visit in the City.

***

A little about me... and BTS

In the meantime, let's enjoy the official music video of BTS's "Life goes on": in the forest, which is set in a place that is quite similar to the Finger Lakes Region of NYS.        

Beautiful song... beautiful young men singing to a multitude of beautiful souls

around the world from such a beautiful place.

Indeed, life is beautiful... and it goes on.

The last nine years that I've been Dean of the Faculty of Engineering of the University of Santo Tomas (there, I said it... for the first time, I think, in this Blog) were some of the most remarkable years of my life... not because of the 'prestige' of the position because I don't think I ever enjoyed the 'perks' of being Dean.  In fact, I don't even know what the perks were... and I never cared to find out!  I cared more about something else, the most essential thing in my leadership goals - SERVICE.  The whole time, I was extremely busy trying to cultivate a 'new' culture of excellence in the Faculty.  It was humbling... and I've given up so many things to do this.  Looking back, I do believe that the sacrifices were so worth it. I can say with confidence, and humility, that my Team and I have achieved our goals... and so much more.

In a few days, I will be officially handing down the reins of leadership of the Faculty to my successor.  I am proud to turnover the leadership of a Faculty that is completely transformed from how it was when I took over about a decade ago.  And, I mean that in a very positive way, and many can attest to it, too... including history itself. I do believe that it is also accurate to say that the whole University was positively influenced by the transformations that the Faculty of Engineering has undergone.  I do believe that the bigger impact of my previous service in the University as Dean of the Faculty of Engineering will be continuously felt in the coming more years, including the brilliance that my successor is about to impart.  This is not to demean any of my predecessors though.  In fact, I have so much respect for them... especially knowing what I know now about leadership.  Still, I can proudly say that, when I was called to serve, I responded to the call wholeheartedly. I did my utmost best, leaving nothing and taking nothing for myself.  In the end, I am very proud of what we have accomplished!       

While I am very happy with the fruits of my service, I have been EXTREMELY EXHAUSTED, too!  In the last three years, I was just 'running on empty'. There were too many MAJOR undertakings, transformations, and coping with the pandemic, including the loss of my father and my own bout with COVID-19 that I almost lost.  I did not give up... but, sometimes, when life is moving about too fast and we're out of breath, we just need to get away for a little bit, to breathe fresh air to gain fresh perspective, and renew the fight in our spirits.  I did that recently in Cornell... and I am no longer out of breath now.  In fact, I am now getting ready to take on a bigger challenge in my workplace as I transition from the Office of the Dean to another Office... which, from what I understand is a lot bigger.

The 'new chapter' is not just about cultivating a culture.  It's about cultivating a culture and setting up the 'farm' in which such culture can bloom and flourish.  It will be about maintaining a fertile ground, lots of sunshine and water, the right seeds... and the right 'farmer'.  I know of wonderful beautiful 'farmers' who own an incredibly flourishing 'global farm'.  There are seven of them... and they are called BTS.  I will need their inspiration... and I'm gonna avail it!  Then I know that the best is "yet to come".  And this beautiful life goes on....

Alright, let's start getting inspired now...

Man, goosebumps!  They keep outdoing themselves.  Too good!  

Alright, I'm ready... leggo!  💜

***    

Photo credit:  All photos featured in this post are all mine, and I processed them for the sole purpose of this post.  They may not be used anywhere else.

Video credit:  The first video featured in this post belong to me. The owner of the other two videos is indicated in the videos themselves - Hybe Labels and BangtanTV.  Thanks, YouTube, for the video link.

*** 

Spring is here...

 ...and it's pretty! 

===============================================

by PAM

I do think that Spring is the prettiest season - colorful, cheerful with lots of fun transformations around. Fall is the most dramatic and lovely; winter is full of ups and downs - ranging from the most cheerful to the most melancholy; and summer gives the most promises... not all of which it can fulfill.  Spring is not 'dramatic', quite consistent without much promises.  Like the little spring flowers that 

suddenly sprout from the ground, attracting many a-chirping birds and a-buzzing bees, spring sneaks up on you cheerfully.  You can almost hear the 'little giggles' from the colorful flowers as they strained their thin stems to reach out towards the sun through the grasses around them.  

Spring does surprise in a way that is fun and cheery.  And, I do think that springtime in Ithaca in Upstate New York is just incredibly beautiful!  Yesterday was specifically wonderful.  It started as a very foggy morning... so grey but so serene.  It was a good thing that I didn't have to go to work early, I was able to enjoy the peaceful morning.  As the day approached mid-morning though, the sun decided to go 'on duty', and the fog slowly lifted.  On the ground, the dissolving fog revealed colorful little flowers, mostly dandelions and sweet violets, among the very green grass, washed with droplets of dew - so very pretty, indeed! 

I walked on the ground slowly, afraid to crush the dainty flowers.  I snapped a few photos just to remember the lovely moment by.  I am not sure if the little violet flowers are really 'sweet violet'... but I just associated them with BTS... even if they are 'too blue' to be purple.  

Later towards noon, the skies became clear and so blue, and it carried me around in a very good mood.  And so, my first meeting that day with my Humphrey Fellowship non-local Professional Affiliation (PA) supervisor went really well - positive, relaxed and, generally, as cheerful as the Ithaca springtime.

***

Image credit:  All the photos in the collage above belong to me.

***

Saturday photo

"Philip, Philipina, Philippe"... for the Philippines.

It's been a hectic week once again!  But, what else is new?  Nah, not complaining... I'm just amazed that I'm still feeling like I can do a 5k run after that "marathon" I ran this week.  Perhaps, the "pit stops" in this week's marathon were truly refreshing and exhilarating... they added to the energy rather than zapping it.  Good, good!

So, the US Ambassador to the Philippines, H. E. Philip S. Goldberg, visited the University of Santo Tomas last Wednesday as Lecturer in the 3rd installment of the University's Diplomats' Lecture Series.  He spoke to the students about his career as a diplomat, hoping that his example might be of use for those who aspire to become diplomat themselves in the future.  He emphasized the importance of being "curious about things around us" especially those that constitute diplomatic affairs such as political, economic and

H. E. Philip S. Goldberg, US envoy to the Philippines, visiting
the University of Santo Tomas for the first time.

public affairs.  "Accumulating knowledge about these diplomatic activities," he said, "will become very useful in your future career as diplomats."  He said that "an innate curiosity of world affairs" can translate to an overseas role as a diplomat, but that it all "begins from understanding your own country." 

For a diplomatic mission to be successful, he emphasized the importance of "strengthening people-to-people relationship through educational programs, cultural programs and youth programs".  This is why he considers Education USA as one of the major programs of the US Embassy in the Philippines that he works hard for to keep moving forward and benefit the Filipinos, especially the youth.

Of his work as an American envoy to the Philippines, he made mention of the long-standing friendship between the United States of America and the Philippines as his basis in conducting his diplomatic mission in the country.  And he came to his post in Manila with a rich background and experience.

With the challenges of climate change to which the Philippines is very vulnerable, the maritime security-related tension with economic and international political implications in South China Sea and West Philippine Sea, the very promising economic growth that the Philippines is currently enjoying, the challenge of being at the cusp of political transition as the local and national elections loom, and many other interesting transitions in the ASEAN region where

Crystal Clear: H.E. Goldberg, making a strong point on...
international maritime issues, especially the respect of freedom
of navigation. 

the Philippines play an important role, the Ambassador has got his job cut out for him.  Of his appointment to a diplomatic post in the Philippines at such 'exciting times', he was said to be a perfect fit, being one of the US State Department's "best and brightest".  And, indeed, he hit the ground running when he arrived in November 2013 to assume his post after typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan) hammered the Visayas, leaving tremendous devastation in the area, and thousands of people needing emergency assistance.  The Ambassador proved equal to the immensity of the task, standing side by side with Filipinos as they combat the daunting challenge.

Having seen first hand how the Filipinos who suffered from Yolanda's rampage bounced back over the last two years, he expressed his admiration for the Filipino's resilience during his Talk.  He also spoke about the "impressive optimism of Filipinos" that is now resulting to a "commendable economic progress" among others, and the "admirable way by which the Philippines is dealing with the South China Sea issue".

As recipient of the Fulbright-Philippine Agriculture Scholarship and having enjoyed the full benefit of the US Department of State's Education USA for five years in Cornell University, located in the beautiful finger lakes region of New York State, I feel duty-bound to support the efforts of the US Embassy in reaching out to Filipinos in friendship.  Not that I don't enjoy it, because I do - tremendously!  And, while I've followed from a distance the Embassy's activities over the years, I think I've never felt this much affinity to the Embassy since Ambassador Goldberg assumed the post at Roxas Boulevard.  I believe in his  sincere and faithful sense of mission to my country, and I'm an admirer of his mind's sharpness... although he can be quite severe in his facial expression - even when he jokes.  Oops!  Hmmm, 'diplomacy'... I need to exercise it some!  :)

Seriously, I'm a fan.   

More power to you, Your Excellency!

***

Photo credit:  The first photo was from Mr. Philippe Jose Hernandez, the Assistant Director of the UST Social Media Bureau (SMB).  I took the other two photos.

***

Wednesday nostalgia...

...just because it's been a while.
=====================================================================
by PAM


I don't remember the last time I wrote a "Wednesday nostalgia" entry here... I just know that it's been a long time since I last wrote one.  Perhaps, this present phase of my life is preventing me from feeling anything related to nostalgia... the practical side of my brain is at work all the time, the nostalgic bit is buried under a heap of overused logic cells that are starting to feel painful - physically, actually.  But, enough is enough!  Forget work for a little while!  I guess it's time to allow a bit of sentimental feeling and nostalgia... and let this tired old brain recuperate.

Last weekend was very good... I was productive work-wise (although I know it's unwise to bring work home).  I had a chance to bond with my sisters... shopping, eating out, and just talking, aside from going to church to pray together as usual.  I also found two truly uplifting e-mails in my inbox. One is a letter from an old friend - a very good one - from Grad School in Ithaca, New York.  For a couple of hours, while I read and re-read the funny letter, and while I replied to it, I felt the rush of teenage-like cheers - I was my 'crazy self', and it felt soooo good! :)  My friend's letter detailed some "special plans", and our plans to get together with our other friends in a not-so-distant-future.  Exciting!  

The second letter carried so many pictures that made me feel thoroughly nostalgic.  The bunch of pictures included this...


Hey, Spring!  What took you so long?

The second letter was detailing the renovations being done at the Stocking Hall in Cornell University through pictures and catchy captions.  Needless to say, that kind of brought warm 

I wonder how everybody's doin'....

nostalgic feeling... after all, I worked in Stocking Hall for five years - five beautiful and unforgettable years! 

The picture above, the facade of Stocking Hall, has nothing to do with the massive renovations inside it and the annex building (labs, pilot plant and the 'Dairy Bar')... but if you spent time in Ithaca, NY, you'd know that when the blossoms finally appeared, it's a special moment alright, you just gotta have to capture it.  And, you just gotta have to do it fast because the beautiful sight has that exasperating habit of disappearing all of a sudden.  And when you're already living away from Ithaca, you'd miss those moments... and the letter sender knew that, and is thoughtful enough to send a snap of that special moment.  Friendship... we call it friendship, and that's how it works - with warm thoughtfulness that you can feel from across oceans.

Boy, I miss Cornell... I miss the people... I miss my friends!  I hope to see them soon... hopefully, in Ithaca, too.  Then again, it ain't matter where... I just want to catch up with them - soon!  Therefore, I need to work hard and finish up my present commitments... and set out once more - to spread my wings and soar once again!  Boy, oh, boy... I totally miss feeling the wind on my face in a carefree 'sky dive' with truly good and sincere friends - those I know for sure would catch me if my 'parachute' would malfunction.  That's the beauty of friendship... it makes all the risk-taking fun, successful, and so worth it.  I want that soon!  Therefore, c'mon, time... fly! 

***  

Saturday photo

It's an explosion... of colors!

I took this photo back in the summer of 2006 in Ithaca, NY. I was going for a morning run outdoors. It was a "celebratory run" - for a major undertaking in Cornell, which finally came to a truly satisfying finish. Gooooaaaal!!! :) I slowed down to avoid a speeding squirrel as I rounded a corner... and followed the squirrel's path with my eyes by reflex. As I did, I saw this... and it took my breath away! I cut my run short and ran back to my apartment. I grabbed my point-and-shoot, and returned to the "crime scene"... to take this evidence. ;)

***

Wednesday nostalgia...

...Cornell University - a wonderful journey.
======================================================
by Philipina A. Marcelo


The Cornell University Product Development Team (DMI 2003):
Ten people, nine countries, four continents... and one University.

One of the most rewarding aspects of studying abroad is the opportunity to forge friendships with different people from different regions in the world. And when the opportunity becomes a real experience, it is personally enriching as it is professionally envigorating. It opens one's mind to the varied perspectives on global concerns - from serious to mundane - of individuals whose minds and personalities were shaped by the varied societies where they come from. Societies that, in turn, evolved through unique cultures and traditions, spiritual formations and common experiences of its members.

Cornell University is one of those academic institutions where diversity in academic pursuits - and openness in their pursuits - is encouraged in many levels. Such
My Rheology class - 14 people from 8 different
countries and four different fields of study.pursuits are always defined by dynamism and incredible enthusiasm that bore through one's deepest realm of interest... almost bordering obsession - formidable in its fierceness, joyful in its purity - and always defined by excellence. Cornell's campuses (there are four: three in New York State - Ithaca, Geneva and New York City, and one in Doha, Qatar, in the Middle East) are some of those campuses where one, regardless of race and culture, religion and creed, will find a place... to grow and flourish, both as an individual and as a member of an academic community. A community where the only thing that's required to be common among its members is the discipline... and where hardwork is rewarded with the bliss of sweet academic fulfillment.

Being an Ivy League University, while prestigious, is not what makes Cornell special. It is the very reason for its foundation that makes it a
Homecoming... Cornell, in Ithaca, NY (June 2010).great academic institution. "Any person, any study." This is how Ezra Cornell, the University's founder, envisioned Cornell - a place of diversity. And now, with its nationally and internationally topnotch Academic Programs in the fields of Agriculture and Life Sciences, Architecture, Planning and Design, Hotel Administration, Arts and Sciences, Engineering, Business and Management, and Medicine and Medical Sciences, among others, anyone with a serious intention to pursue a desire to search the depths of his or her academic interest, with an
Goofing around with "Uncle Ezra"... :) intention to use his or her findings to humanity's common good, will find a place there. Cornell will not only provide space for such individuals, but will also give a feeling of inclusion in its community. And the exciting pursuit is made wonderful and, indeed unforgettable, by friendships forged that span the globe... defy societal backgrounds and individual origins, and seek understanding in rather immensely delightful ways. And through those friendships, individuals transcend the biding of fulfilling personal goals, and seek, instead, to become a part of a global community where a greater goal is pursued. All these while having tremendous and outrageous fun... that sometimes even surprises one of his or her capacity for fun! :)

Ah, yeah... the thoughts of Cornell do bring warm feelings of
Great friends... six people from six
countries and three continents
(New Orleans, USA, July 2005).nostalgia... especially when I think about the people - great friends all - who made that part of my journey such a delightful and incredible experience. Such wonderful, wonderful people! I will always feel indebted to them.

No... I didn't just attend Cornell... I experienced Cornell, and it did transform many aspects of my life, especially those that needed transformation badly, in truly satisfying, absolutely fulfilling and delightfully unexpected ways. It showed me the many avenues where I could maximize God's gifts - avenues where narrowmindedness and shortsightedness have no place. And Cornell did become a part of me... a beautiful part that I will always cherish and value.

Nope, this most definitely won't be my last post on Cornell! :)

***

Saturday photo

Ugh! Get a room!

Nah, that isn't my take on public display of affection. While I get disgusted by gross public display of unmitigated desire, I can definitely tolerate PDA. In fact, I'm a fan of cute, spontaneous, almost innocent PDAs! :)

Last year, around this time, I was walking along Michigan Ave. in Chicago, enjoying an afternoon of surprisingly gentle, almost amazingly "flippant", gust of wind under a slightly overcast sky. The slightly overcast sky that threatened a precipitation anytime on a summer day was definitely a Chicago thing that I came to expect everytime I visit, but the "gentle" blowing of wind... so gentle that it was almost like a caress - in the Windy City, no less - was a first for me! And it was very much welcome, too. It was one of those days when you can't help but accommodate a silly grin on your face in marvel of your luck to actually enjoy such a wonderful day... especially if you lived halfway across the globe and just happened to be there - for work, of all things! :)

I was breathing in the sweet Michigan Ave. air, letting myself intoxicated by my luck when I was slowed down by an elderly couple, walking hand-in-hand in front of me. Their gently smiling faces, unhurried strides and seeming contentment in each other's company was a picture of love... they completely took my breath away! The lady murmured something, making the old gentleman stop walking to turn to her, halting his lady... and me, too. And then, in the warmest of all gestures, he smiled the most charming smile in Chicago that day, leaned on his cane and gave her the cutest and sweetest kiss on the cheek. She giggled softly and patted his cheek in an equally warm gesture. :) I know, right?! PDA at its finest - major, major aaaaw! :) Of course, my own smile widened and deepened... convinced that life is good... oh, so good! :)

***
Uh-huh... the photo was taken using my good old Canon EOS Rebel 2000 Film SLR back in the Summer of 2007 in Ithaca, NY. It was in the same roll of film that got messed up.

Saturday photo

Focus...

Being a "sari-sari person" who favors "variety", I usually experience "decision paralysis" when faced with a variety of attractive choices... especially shoes. :) Working with brilliant professors in a very demanding and fast-paced Ph.D. Program in Cornell University cured that paralysis! "Focus, focus, focus... to finish!" It was the mantra that got me through it all in the middle of a sea of great things - all very inviting - in that wonderful place of learning. :) But, alas, it was only for the Ph.D. stint and for my professional endeavors! Up to now, I still enjoy the bliss of "variety" in most aspects of my life! :) However, I think that focus is still achievable in the midst of variety when there is "balance" in one's life as well. Hmmm... no, I don't just think it, I believe it - I know it! ;)

***
Note: Once again, this photo was taken using my (very) old Canon EOS Rebel 2000 Film SLR back in the Summer of 2007 at my friends' garden in Ithaca, NY. Once again, because the film did not develop nicely, my scanner was put to task! :)

***

Saturday photo

One of a kind...

I took this photo at my friends' garden in Ithaca, NY back in the summer of 2007. My mind was "bleeding" from writing my dissertation... I looked out of the window to relax my mind and saw this. My point-and-shoot ran out of battery, so I used my old Canon EOS Rebel 2000 Film SLR - yes, the "classic, old fashioned" kind (translation: not digital). Hehe... I was very disappointed when I saw that the film didn't develop nicely... but my scanner did what it could. Nevertheless, I'm happy with the "scene", and the warm memories that it brought back. :)

***

Happy Father's Day!

No gifts, just memories.
==================================================
by Philipina A. Marcelo


I do not have a gift for my father this Father's Day. :( He did say something about "lasting gift" when he travelled to Ithaca, New York to attend my graduation
The wind beneath my wings...in Cornell University four years ago. :) Although I thought he was just being 'melodramatic' about it, now that I'm held up and unable to get something for him, I am taking him up for that "lasting gift" proposition. ;) But I do wish him more wonderful years of contentment, peace, love and joy of a father. May our good Lord continue to shower him with more blessings and bountiful reasons to keep celebrating life!

To all the cool and wonderful fathers out there, happy Father's Day! :)

***

A song that had a face

An essay: A song inspires memories of being loved, and ponders the desperation and uncertainties in loving. Although love can be had and lost, a brief moment of sweet abandon in love is eternal bliss.
=========================================================================
By Philipina A. Marcelo

I just got back from a five-year self-exile in Ithaca, NY, trying to get a Ph(dot)D(dot) attached to my name... uh, my Dad's name, actually! It was an interesting journey that started out as a fun year of discovery. Days were full of pleasant surprises, finding things in common with people, such as a liking for certain songs, or music, which progressed to meaningful friendship. Every single day seemed too short for all the excitement, until such time when the fun to work ratio approached zero, and the approach of busy weekdays to fun weekend became asymptotic. And then it got ugly... and ugliness became a constant companion. At some point, just when I thought I saw hope creeping in to conquer ugliness, ugly turned horrific... and it sat there in the dungeonlike prison - an unwelcome visitor for what felt like an eternity!

Aside from the little scientific breakthroughs here and there, the comforting company of good friends fueled the lamp of hope that lit the dark dungeon. The darkness dragged on and on in cold, cold Ithaca. Just when I was beginning to get accustomed to my life's dark period, suddenly the days went sprinting down to the elusive finish line in what seemed to be a wink! The last few days sped by like a bullet train that there was no time to savor the "finishing" moment! I held on through the supersonic ride. Before fully realizing what was going on, the dungeon gate flung open, the ugliness disappeared... and I was a free gal once again!

In the frenzied excitement of my first days of freedom, a face hovered around me silently... like a dream... a face that quietly kept me company in the darkness of the dungeon... a face whose owner held my hand as I groped around finding my way through the darkness. In the loneliness of the dungeon, that face was my boundless source of inspiration, those hands were my pillar of strength. In my freedom, the same face was the very meaning of freedom, the same hands were the very reason for reaching out to embrace freedom. In the light outside the dungeon, his face was even more reassuring and kinder. I reached for his hands, took them, and let myself be led to bask in the warm sunshine that was sweet freedom!

Now, I'm home. Although home was not a detention cell, it didn’t provide freedom either for, at home, he has become just a memory. I started getting re-oriented, introducing my new self to my old world, exploring changes and welcoming them. As always, adjustment began with music - that magical thing that always made new beginnings in my life some seamless merging of yesterday and today. I have been digging through my twelve year-old CD library and found a song that I haven't heard in a long time... it's a song by Edwin McCain - entitled "I'll be". I popped the CD to the old CD player in my room. As soon as the first note sounded, I knew I was in for a treat... I imagined the notes floating around me like colorful little butterflies, wings a-flopping in gentle mesmerizing sound, lulling me down memory lane.

I thought that the stroll down memory lane would transform the room into something familiarly cozy. I thought the song would bring back bitter-sweet teenage crushes and coming of age - some old threads I could entwine my present with. It didn't. Interestingly, memory lane didn't stretch as far back as before my exile... it just went a few weeks back. Again, the dreamlike face hovered... only, this time, it was really just a dream – a memory from the not-so-distant past. Like the butterflies with colorful wings, it wasn’t there. Something akin to longing tugged at my heart, I thought it’ll make me cry... but the playful butterflies danced on beautifully. I closed my eyes and let myself be mesmerized by McCain’s throatily casual, artistically un-polished voice that spelled Romeo-in-black-jeans purely hopeless romanticism – no frills, no pretentions, just an honest expression of one’s overwhelming affection....

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
And tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus:
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be your love suicide and
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
And tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Repeat Chorus

I've been dropped out, I burned up, I fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, I turned on,
Remembered the things that you said

Repeat Chorus

The last note of the song jolted me back to the present. I wondered what drove Eric McCain to write such an emotionally touching song... so desperately in love, so tenderly insecure. “Tell me that we belong together,” almost pleading, begging, a little assurance, a little affection. “Dress it up with the trappings of love,” such desperation - willingness to settle for just the minutest hint of love. Is that what we become when we fall in love? We tend to give ourselves fully to the point of utter desperation? “I’ll be your love suicide.” We dive to a freefall, filling our senses with the inexplicably exhilarating sensation of complete abandon - freedom? Leaving ourselves with not much to cushion the fall? Exposing ourselves to vulnerability, insecurity, pain? And, as we swim in the blissful beauty of being in love, we also torture ourselves with the uncertainties of the future, the answer to which the present won’t reveal? Will this feeling last? Will this moment last? What does it take to make it last? Is giving ourselves fully and completely enough? No answer. And yet, we allow ourselves to fall. We choose to fall. And how can we not? How do we resist a beauty so captivating? What kind of armor should we wear to protect ourselves from melting under such a spell so powerful? None – there is no way to resist, no way to fight it. Perhaps, we don’t want to fight it... for even as we lose in the end, a brief moment of sweet abandon is eternal bliss for the soul that knew love.

And then I thought of my plight in the dungeon and how I was nurtured and cared for by one kind soul. I never knew what drove him to do what he did, but yes, he was my crying shoulder, my hope, my survival. He rooted for me all the way, helping me to keep believing in myself. Prodding me to keep focused on my goals and to keep moving forward until all grounds are covered, until freedom was to be had. I doubt if he knew what love was but I felt loved, loved in ways most tender, most captivating, most unforgettable. I know that even when I dropped out or burned up, I will always find my way back from the dead just remembering the things he said. And when new life dawns, although I may not deserve it, I know that I will always find his face there in front of me - waiting, hovering - perhaps, a little older... but better – and he will always be the greatest fan of my life just like I will always be his biggest fan.