...you can shake the world!" - Mahatma Gandhi
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by PAM
"Our quiet approach to life, our need for solitary time, isn't a flaw. It's a gift...
The unique attributes of introverts really are deep, quiet strength."
I used to live with my maternal grandparents when I was growing up. My grandmother then was so worried about how 'shy' I was, and how I usually preferred going with my grandfather in the fields and watch him farm from under a tree with our dog while perusing my Mother's old picture books rather than play with my cousins and other kids in our neighborhood. It wasn't true that I preferred being in the fields with my grandpa and that I was shy. I enjoyed being in the field, that's for sure, but only because I felt that the silence energized me. I consider those days that I spent with my grandpa to be some of the most enjoyable days of my childhood. He allowed me to be comfortable 'living in my own head' with the most beautiful of imaginations. And, I imagined, he himself enjoyed those moments in the field where he can be alone with his thoughts. When we ate lunch together in those beautiful fields of eggplants and tomatoes at summertime, we usually had quiet conversations. I enjoyed his stories about the years he spent in Guam, USA as a farmer, which he told in his calm and retrospective voice. When I grew up, I realized that those were some of the most memorable and most influential conversations I've had as a child. In fact, I learned my first English word from my grandfather in one of those conversations. The word was "salt"... and he used it in many contexts. My grandpa's sister, whenever she visited from Guam, and saw my grandpa and I walking home from the fields, she usually commented, "there they are, the odd pair of introverts."
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Anti-social vs. Introvert
In my past few posts here, I have been mentioning how I very much enjoy solitude. Yes, I am usually alone these days - both at work and at home (my second home, that is), but I am never lonely. I usually have 'a party in my head', which keeps me stimulated and entertained. In these parties, my brain is at its most creative. It gives wings to my soul as my soul soars in a truly beautiful vision of blue sky and feelings as soft as the gentlest of breeze - something that I never experience when talking (well, listening, mostly) to other people who are convinced that they have the most intelligent and the most important things to say (or write and share on social media). Whenever I have to 'party with others', I often find myself wishing to end the event midway through, and plotting to gun for the nearest exit. And so, I usually dread opening emails that 'require' me to accept an invitation to this event and that. I do enjoy a few gatherings... small ones - safe ones, or ones that allow me to stay with a small circle of like-minded people - a safe company. In most cases, I'd much rather return to my workplace, work quietly, and be more productive... except that finding my center of productivity after socializing or attending a meeting with more than one person usually requires a massive effort, and takes a very long time, too. An agony, truly; one that I do my best to avoid these days.
Many people, myself included, used to think that I was an 'antisocial'... but as I study anti-socialism and introversion, I am convinced that my grandpa's sister was right. I am, indeed, an introvert. And the older I get, it becomes more difficult to recover from socialization to reach a point where I can breathe easy. These days, I crave solitude more and more. Age might have something to do with it, too. In any case, I feel I am at my most creative when I work in solitude -- then and now... more so now. I feel that I can, indeed, 'gently shake the world' with the product of my soaring imagination borne from those 'parties in my brain'. And, as I do, I become more and more comfortable with the person that I am, the work and the role that I am meant to perform, the results that slowly crystallize as I distill my thoughts from all the noise around me, and the outcomes of my efforts from implementing distilled ideas quietly. I truly believe this is wonderful... except that many of my peers, or those who sit higher than where I sit, usually think that I probably believe that I do not have ideas bright enough for them to support, and this is why I avoid tossing my ideas on the table when everyone does with the loudest thud. If they only pay attention to, or muster the courage to overcome their bias and give me enough credit for the actual results of my verbally unexpressed ideas but actually implemented silently with much tenacity, they'd know that I am not as empty and weak as they believe just because I don't participate in their loud verbal sparring that they enjoy so much... but the work that follows, they enjoy - not so much... but I do.
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Soulful introversion
And those 'parties in my brain'... they take place in the cadence of heartfelt, beautiful prayers. And what are heartfelt prayers but silent conversations with God? And that is why I prefer them over those stressful loud verbal sparring where everyone seeks to be the one who had the last word. They tire me to the tips of my toenails.
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Video credit: The owner is indicated in the video. Thanks, YouTube, for the link.
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