Holding my breath....

...until it fell me.
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by PAM


Do you know that feeling when you have way too many things in front of you, begging for your attention to fix them, that, rather than sighing, you hold your breath instead and kept picking the things up one by one, trying to fix them as fast as you can?  And then, you didn't realize that you were out of breath and you just collapsed like a broken doll among the broken stuff on the floor, you yourself needing to be fixed?  Well, for a few months now, that's how I've been

Hello, sickness, my old friend.  Thanks for
rescuing me from my own 'foolishness'.

feeling.  I know.  How foolish of me, isn't it?  Why didn't I just 'breathe steadily' as I picked up stuff to 'fix', right?  That should be the wisest thing to do, except that... breathing slows the work down significantly... and work is far too humongous to afford a slow pace!

What has become of me, I wonder.  I've become a 'slave'.  I've become a slave of my own obsession to get things done... to not have anything in front of me, waiting for my attention by addressing all of them - all at the same time.  And so, I kept trying to accomplish the work of 10 people (maybe more) - with the energy of only one - simply because not all of the people around me share my desire to always get as many things done as possible in a timely manner.  Others are just interested in complaining rather than getting things done.  Others are more interested in counting the hours they spent in the workplace doing precisely just that, counting the hours, rather than how much they were actually accomplishing, if at all.  And still, others spend most of their energy in yakking about the little things they've done, showing them off to whoever might pay attention - mostly for their own selfish benefit - to call attention to and obtain glory for themselves... and I, and the very few others who are as 'foolish' as me, always end up picking up their slack!  Terrific!

Therefore, I feel I withdrew too much from my reserved energy and health... the energy and health reserved for my old age.  Now, I wonder how many years have I taken from my own lifetime by doing what I have been doing.  And, was it worth it?  And, what of the people around me?  Well, they are all walking tall, basking in the glory of our

I should get my life back on track to 'normalcy'...
...and never look back!

accomplishments, celebrating, drinking themselves to death... while my battered self lie among the withered leaves in a field that went parched of neglect.  Oh, how very tempting it is to sigh a big sigh now if it could change anything in my current condition!  But it won't make any difference now.
   
This week, my body decided that it cannot take it anymore, it simply announced that it needed air... and then it stopped working, save for breathing - belaboredly, that is.  I had to haul myself to the hospital to see if the miracles of medicine could be instrumental in making my prayers granted.  It made me feel sad that  every part of my body that the doctors 'poked' hurt.  It puzzled them.  Every inch of my body felt sore... and it probably felt sore for the longest time now, I just kept ignoring it - because I had work to do!  I kept holding my breath until the work was done.  I've been so pathetic... what a sad, sad life I'm choosing for myself - one that I do not deserve at all!

Therefore, what to do now?  One thing is clear, I'd be a complete moron to continue this 'foolishness'.  I owe it to myself to stop this foolishness at once... because I feel that, the next time my body protests, it will just shut down.  No amount of 'medical cajoling' from even the very best of doctors in the country could will it to resume work.  No, it will not just decide to stop working, but it will just 'quit' altogether.  And, when that happens, I have no one to blame but my foolish self... because this last 'episode' showed me that none of the sacrifices is truly worth it.  People do forget... many people do not appreciate good work and they only see your flaws... people do not care - except when it concerns their own interests.    

Then again, people's behavior are not my reasons for doing what I do.  So, I'm very happy, indeed.  I believe I have satisfied my idealism to the fullest in my current work.  I have shown

Allowing something new and colorful to bloom.

everyone in my workplace that anything - anything at all - that the imagination can conjure up could become a reality... that is, if one is willing to set aside personal agenda and personal glory; if one is willing to study diligently and learn (and keep learning) about everything related to one's idea with honest curiosity, plan meticulously and painstakingly towards the goal, and work hard with the brute force of heartfelt commitment in implementing the plan to bring the ideals to reality.  And this could be accomplished more thoroughly and in a timely manner through teamwork.  At the risk of sounding self-absorbed and arrogant, I believe that I've shown an example that might be worth emulating in my current workplace.  It's time for the others to show that they, too, learned from our very good experience, and show interest in picking up the mantle - not for the glory of it all, but for turning idealism to reality as well.  Because, really, where is glory in just assuming the mantle?  Taking up the mantle can only be glorious with concrete accomplishments of lasting impact by the one holding it and his/her team.  Therefore, the hard work comes first... glory comes later, if at all.

As for me, it's time to get my life back on track to 'normalcy', allow something new and colorful to bloom... and flourish... and never look back!

So help me God.  Amen.     
      
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